There is Always Something Better

Read it on Laurel Tree Workshop

The Power of Fessing Up

Secrets are divisive, but confession gives me allies.

I have been going through a rather incredible season of introspection and growth these past six months. It has been difficult, and I’ve started to see just how much my life was ruled by fears. I was afraid of talking on the phone, afraid of going places by myself, afraid I would be abandoned, and afraid of making commitments. I was afraid of failing in my tasks and relationships, and I was very afraid of other people. I knew I had those fears, so I scheduled my life around them. I had it under control.

Then, life threw me a curve-ball. The many-headed hydra of secret fear went on a rampage, and I went to counseling.

Confessing Weakness

I’ve always thought counseling was a great idea for other people and I was fairly open about it when I first started going. I knew I needed some outside help to get my inner turmoil in order. The first time a scheduling conflict came up, I was honest. I said something like, “Oh, I can’t make it. I have counseling that night,” and that was the end of it. The friend I was trying to meet up with shrugged her shoulders and we found another day. It was not a big deal.

A few weeks in to the process I started to clam up. I made excuses or diverted the conversation whenever someone asked about my plans. It wasn’t because I was ashamed, I think I just didn’t want people to feel sorry for me: wow, she’s had it so rough she needs counseling. I didn’t want to effect (or infect) people with the uncomfortable things I was fighting through. I started keeping it to myself.

Once I made counseling a secret, an interesting thing happened: my opinion began to shift.

Maybe it was bad that I had to go to counseling.

Maybe I was weak.

Maybe people would think…

I never finished the thought, but the effect of my shifting opinion was not subtle. I became ashamed.

Facing the Hydra

There is something about secrets that can really mess with a person’s head. There are lots of different kinds of secrets: good secrets, bad secrets, accidental secrets. Secret fears, secret mistakes, secret loves, the list goes on. Secrets can begin by choice, but they can also begin by forgetfulness. They seem to turn things wrong. They grow when they are concealed or suppressed. Perhaps the power play of keeping a secret is corrupting. In any case, secrets are inherently divisive.

Romantic comedies are great illustrations of this principle:

Guy and Girl:

- meet

- have a misunderstanding

- keep their fears/affections a secret

- stop communicating

- begin to go their separate ways

- reveal their fears/affections

- live happily ever after

Without the division caused by the secret fears/affections, we could have gotten to “happily ever after” in about 30 minutes of movie time. Without the secret, there would be no drama. We like to watch the drama unfold because we are in on the secrets. But if you watch the characters — they are not having any fun. Secrets can sabotage relationships.

Secrets are binary: you’re in, or you’re out. The choice to make a secret of counseling was a choice to exclude my friends & family from that area of my life. I cut myself off from my biggest allies. I chose the shame of secrecy instead of choosing support.

The contrast of that choice hit me in a profound way when my husband’s older sister flew in for a visit last week. Our extended family has suffered some heartbreaking losses in the last few years (including the curveball I mentioned at the top), and the end of April is particularly difficult for my husband’s younger sister. The group of us spent a lot of time talking that week. We had several no-masks conversations about how hard things have been and what we’ve been wrestling with. It was refreshing. And it all happened because the younger sister sent an email to the older confessing how much she was struggling. She let out her secret.

From Others to Allies

Sharing a secret turns an “other” into an “ally.” It is magically restorative.

When my husband’s younger sister broke the secret of what she was dealing with internally, I was reminded that I was not alone. She and I both went through some rough stuff. We understand each other. We don’t need to hide our struggles or our pain because we are fighting through the same things. We can fight together. We are allies.

I’ve also seen this work as I’ve settled in to my new job. When I started my job in December, I spent the first several weeks absolutely terrified that I would make a mistake. Terrified to the point that I came home miserable and exhausted from my over-intense focus on perfection and achievement. I never told anyone at work how terrified I was of failing.

Eventually, I did confessed my fear of phone calls. My co-worker smiled and said that she often felt the same way. I had an ally.

A few weeks later, one of the customer service reps confessed that she had a fear of reading out loud to a group. I’d just listened to her read a long and lovely letter from a customer the day before, and I never would have guessed she was afraid. Each time someone exposed their fear, it scared off mine.

I got over my fear of failure the day I heard my boss say “Oh, I messed up.”

Odds are good that I can find an ally for every one of my fears, heartbreaks, and failures. We humans aren’t all that different on the inside. If I am willing to share, it might help someone else’s fears get smaller. And that is pretty cool.